There was a man who, every time he went to a friend's house and was offered a drink of water, would throw it in his host's face.
        After this happened several times, the annoyed host told his guest, "Do me a favor. Go to a psychiatrist and don't come back until you've been cured."
        Hearing that the man had been in intensive psychotherapy for six months, the host invited his guest back.
        He gave his guest a drink of water, and, once again, the guest threw it in the face of his host.
        "What's the matter with you?" asked the outraged host. "Haven't you learned anything in psychotherapy?"
        "Yes," said the guest. "The psychiatrist told me I was cured."
        "Cured?" sputtered the host. "He must be crazy, too."
        "No," said the guest. "I am cured. I used to feel terrible about doing this. But now that I know why I do it, I don't feel guilty any more."

Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation, for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company.
George Washington

Groups may do many things, but only two hands are needed to burp a baby, change a diaper, make a bed, fry an egg, or drive a car. The failing of most religious groups is their belief that God’s will for the group activity makes the doing of small things pale in significance.
Harry Hebert

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute, and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Belief in form, but disbelief in content - that's what makes an aphorism charming.
Friedrich Nietzsche

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller

          A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it."
         The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
         The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
         "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
         Later, the customer leaves, and sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. He asks. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
         The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Pride, avarice and envy are in every home.
Thornton Wilder

I will not eat anything that walks, runs, skips, hops or crawls.  God knows that I've crawled on occasion, and I'm glad that no one ate me.
Alex Poulos

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
John F. Kennedy

Boys should abstain from all use of wine until their eighteenth year, for it is wrong to add fire to fire.
Plato

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

Here's how to start each day with a positive outlook:
1. Open a new file on your computer.
2. Name it "Barack Obama."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Click "Empty the Recycle Bin."
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama'?"
6. Firmly click "Yes"
There – Don't you feel better now?
GOOD! Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

To love one's neighbors, to love one's enemies, to love everything - to love God in all His manifestations - human love serves to love those dear to us but to love one's enemies we need divine love.
Leo Tolstoy

Futile indeed is it to love men’s souls while discounting a love for men.
Harry Hebert

I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind.
Albert Einstein

Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.
Friedrich Nietzsche

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
Benjamin Franklin

For the most part, we carnivores do not eat other carnivores.  We prefer to eat our vegetarian friends.
Robert Brault

A good painter is to paint two main things, namely men and the working of man's mind.
Leonardo da Vinci

Ascetic: one who makes a necessity of virtue.
Friedrich Nietzsche

If I had known what it would be like to have it all, I might have been willing to settle for less.
Lily Tomlin

         I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be president some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president, what would be the first thing you would do?"
         She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
         Her parents beamed.
         "Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
          She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy go over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
          I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
          Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

The politician is my shepherd – I am in want:
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He disturbeth my soul.
He leadeth me in the path of destruction for the party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Depression,
I anticipate no recovery for he is with me.
He prepareth a reduction in my salary. In the presence of mine enemies,
He anointeth my small income with taxes: my expense runneth over.
Surely unemployment and poverty shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in a mortgaged house forever.

If you desire many things, many things will seem but a few.
Benjamin Franklin
Truth floats!
Harry Hebert

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.
Leo Tolstoy

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
George Bernard Shaw

To know that we know what we know, and that we do not know what we do not know, that is true knowledge.
Henry David Thoreau